Its okay to not be okay - my battle with PND

Hi everyone,

I admit my blog has been a little bit neglected recently and to be honest I haven't felt like I have anything interesting to share with you all.

So Florence is now 7 weeks old and two weeks ago I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, did you know that more than 1 in 10 women suffer with this? Because I didn't.

No this is not new to me...

As some of you may know my mental health has always been an issue to me and sometimes I've really struggled to get in control of it. I've suffered with anxiety since about the age of 7 where I went through stages when leaving the house or the thought would send me into sheer panic or I couldn't be left on my own etc... but thankfully over the years i have managed to deal with the anxiety on my own I still get panic attacks but I manage a lot better on my own now.

PND isn't new to me I had it after I had my second child George and funnily enough his Labour was a walk in the park and pregnancy wasn't that bad apart from mild preeclampsia, but the hospital and midwives weren't concerned and considering I had Oscar premature and ongoing problems since then and a long stay in hospital I was confused why I felt a cloud of darkness over my head after I had George. It took my a good 12 weeks before I mentioned how I felt to my GP and he started me on 10mg BD (twice daily) of citalopram, I'm not a fan of taking medication and it took my another week to pluck up the courage to actually start taking it. In all honesty yes it made me feel better, there was a lot going on in my life at that time and I felt pushed aside and alone.

After about two months of taking medication I decided to cut it out, I felt to myself if I'm going to get better I want to be able to do it myself without chemical assistance and with family support I began to feel a lot better but this time round I have felt a lot different...

How it all started

Looking back to being in labour with Florence I was very emotional then... I was crying uncontrollably. Yes emotions were high but they were even more so this time! Once Florence had arrived, I didn't feel like I didn't want her or to hold her she was everything I wanted and more! Believe or not she latched on straight away as well so it was even more of a bonus. However when I was discharged the next day and got home the stress and anxiety became real, I couldn't wait to walk out of that hospital door but I felt a strange feeling of being unsafe...in hospital I was safe I had medical staff constantly checking to see if we were okay and looking after us but when I was home yes my fiancé and family were there to help but I felt as if I wanted to be on my own.

I don't know what you class as rest having two toddlers already and a new born but I'm pretty sure I didn't get any haha... but I found it hard to do nothing I was doing house work the very next day, washing, school runs life didn't stop for me and when I was on my own I found myself crying a lot and even fighting back the tears when I was surrounded by people but you just smile through it... no one would of known any different as on the outside I looked completely fine, Florence was always asleep when the midwife or health visitor came round and the house was pretty much spotless... I'd spoken a few times to my mum and we both agreed "baby blues" and carried on as normal I then found it hard to become motivated and my appetite had near enough gone as well as my anxiety coming back hard and fast.

Florence then decided she didn't want to breastfeed after a couple of days but she was tongue tied so no shock... as the boys were he same but I felt very disappointed in myself and so much anxiety that I couldn't do what I wanted to do for my child!

The "baby blues" carried on week after week and I began to really not feel myself anymore if people were to make a joke about me "banter" as we call it I would take it literally and burst into tears and feel so much anger!

So I had my postnatal check a week early at 5 weeks they usually say between 6-8 but he was going away for a month and there was no way anyone would understand me like he does, he's been my GP ever since my mum was pregnant with me.

As normal I'd worked myself up for my appointment... my check when okay my BP was still high but as expected it will be for a while flo on the other hand not so much... so more worry suddenly flooded through my head. Hospital referrals were made, prescriptions were written and 1 hour later I felt even worse than I did before I went in there. At the end of the appointment I finally plucked up the courage to talk about how I was feeling and to my surprise he was the one who asked me outright, after a discussion we both agreed to start on citalopram again 10mg BD... I was very reluctant but I wanted to start feeling better and with feeling like I had very little support at home at the minute I felt it was the right choice.

My progress...

We are now two weeks on and I am feeling brighter in myself, life still brings it's stresses at the minute but in general it's okay.

Since then I stopped pretending how I felt to my health visitor and midwife and they also made a referral to a family support nurse to come and talk to me about how I'm feeling so fingers crossed that might help as well... but I was also wondering if I should start CBT, it's just a very long waiting list... I had a couple of sessions before for my anxiety but I didn't feel it was right for me then.

Overall being a new mum is exhausting and stressful no matter if it's your 1st baby or your 3rd... we all feel the desire to become this "perfect mother" and have our shit together but in all honesty we don't really have our shit together at all and we are just trying to get by day to day with leaking boobs and mattress sized maternity pads!!

And most importantly it's okay not to be okay, no one is going to think any less of you!

Until next time, Morgen x