I LOST MYSELF WHEN I BECOME A MUM

Its difficult to wear your heart on your sleeve when your feeling are suppressed... because not even you can understand why you feel the way you do.

There is so much Joy and love that surrounds you when you have a baby. You fall pregnant, you make the announcement! A new life grows inside you, your next nine months are spent preparing for one person... Nurseries are decorated and You spend hours searching for that perfect name! Then that day arrives, your newborn baby is here!

Life changes.

within seconds of that last push your you are now a mum.

Every story is different, all of mine where. Wether it be NICU journey, walking through the doors of an IVF clinic or you held a baby in your arms from a mother who couldn’t care for them.

Whatever journey you went through, you are now a mum!

For some it was planned and for others maybe not, the birth has completed a puzzle. Although the journey has been tough at times, it was more of a rebirth of yourself than a completion.

adding a third child to our family has changed us even more and I’m not sure if I’ve liked the change.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my children, I always will do. Watching them is my favourite was to pass time. We want what’s best for our children, we all do! We have watched each change and celebrated every milestone. We have taken shifts through the night to ensure we try and get some rest. I fought hard to nurse all my children even if all the odds were against me and I had no help. I want What’s best for them... there future.

But I also wanted me.

i’ve always been so sure of myself, I always knew what I wanted for a career, I was always as happy as I could be, had no problems socialising but now I feel so distant from society... my children depend on me for survival, my wings have been clipped, no longer could I be my carefree self. I had responsibilities.

Parenting isn’t what I thought it would be...as not many of you know depression has struck hard this time and i‘m finding general day to day hard. Where I could tolerate my toddlers behaviour I find myself shouting and arguing back with them, where I could handle or manage endless amounts of crying... I wish for it to stop instantly, it’s hard to admit im finding it hard.

I have a lot of ups and downs... it’s got to the point where I’m even looking at my fiance as his work is a form of escape. Is it bad that I’m looking forward to September to go back to work to have 8 hours a day to myself? Even though I won’t have anytime to myself I’ll will still be caring for vulnerable people or is it just an escape from parenting that I want?

My health visitor always asks how I am, I say “I’m fine”. obviously I’m not, she’s nows im not. The discussions lead to medication... but why should I rely on a tablet to make me feel some sense of normality in my life.

I can discuss how I feel until I’m blue in the face... but it won’t change everyone has the same answer “it will get better” or ” you have everything you want, have no need to be upset“ the thing is, I’m not upset. I feel lost... I feel the person who I was, had gone the minute our third baby came along, with the “3 is a lot to handle“ “how do you cope?” “I couldn’t do it“ comments everyday of my life... I spend all my time on my children. I don’t even put make up on anymore because I feel like, what’s the point!

we all say self care is important but when we loose sight of ourselves, we don‘t care. I do need time to myself, and I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty and I 100% shouldn’t be pressured into feeling my career path should be put on hold because of my children... I still need to be myself the person I was before I become a mum.

maybe it will take time to feel better, maybe one day others will remember how I’m feeling other than force there opinions on me.

I am my own person not just a parent.